(theme music playing)
(audience cheers, applauds)
Welcome, welcome, welcome to "Last Week Tonight."
Thank you so much for joining us.
I am John Oliver.
Just time for a quick recap of the week.
And we begin in Cuba--
home to the world's least fun Castro District.
On Friday, Cuba made history.
Today, the flag of the United States
was raised over the U.S. Embassy in Havana.
With Secretary of State John Kerry looking on,
three U.S. Marines hoisted the flag up a pole
at the embassy for the first time in 54 years.
Yes. Finally.
The universal symbol of freedom and liberty
is flying in Cuba...
someplace other than Guantanamo Bay.
But...
But it wasn't just a symbolic flag raising.
The reopening of the Embassy also gave Secretary of State
John Kerry a chance to dust off his freshman year
¿Qué tal? textbook.
I say on behalf of my country...
Los Estados Unidos acogen con beneplacito
este nuevo comienzo de su relacion
con un pueblo el gobierno de Cuba.
No bueno.
You...
You sound like a Rosetta Stone,
and not the software.
You sound like an actual rock trying to speak Spanish.
And look-- Look, the negotiations
to get us to this point are way too complicated
to get into right now.
Suffice to say, they involved at various points
Senator Patrick Leahy, the pope,
and the nation of Canada.
But perhaps the most amazing detail was that
at one point, the negotiations actually hinged on this...
A wild story involving
the artificial insemination
of the wife of one
of the Cuban prisoners
being held in the United States
with the Leahys bringing...
um... the... the semen?
Really? From the prisoner
in the United States
to Havana
so she could become pregnant.
It's true.
Apparently as part of the effort
to close the deal, last year Senator Patrick Leahy
helped facilitate the artificial insemination
of a Cuban prisoner's wife by ensuring safe passage
for his sperm.
And let this be a lesson to anyone who thinks
international diplomacy is glamorous,
because it is not just cocktail parties
and high-level meetings.
Once in a while, your job may include
making sure an international flight
takes off with a carry-on bag containing, presumably,
less than three ounces of warm Cuban jizz.
That's an adult's job.
That is diplomacy.
So let's-- let's move on.
Let's move on now to American history--
you know, the thing that
Disney's "Pocahontas" improved on.
This-- this week gave closure to a rumor
that has been intriguing U.S. historians for years.
And it is confirmed.
President Warren G. Harding
did indeed have
a daughter out of wedlock.
"The New York Times" reports
DNA testing now proved
the 29th president fathered
a child by a mistress,
Nan Britton,
before he was elected.
Yes, it's official--
Warren G. Harding had a love child,
which is pretty impressive for a man who looks like
someone put two napping caterpillars
on an angry bald eagle's forehead
and then dressed it in Tucker Carlson's clothes.
But-- But the revolution-- the revelation came
as vindication for the family of his mistress, Nan Britton.
And frankly, I could fill you in
on the details of this story, but I would much rather
let the team at "Good Day Columbus"
take it from here.
You know who was the hot--
who was the hottie in his day
who might have been on one of these...
Turns out...
Warren G. Harding had a love child?
Marion's own Warren G. Harding,
president of these United States.
Quite the scandal in the '20s.
The family has long since denied,
and the two families have been kind of circling
each other, going, "Uh-huh. This is for real."
"No, no. It's not for real.
"No, you're making it up."
I want to learn about every world event
from those two people.
(imitating reporter) "So... So ISIS was all like, 'We want to take over Syria.'
"And Syria was like, 'Nuh-uh.'
"And ISIS was like, 'Uh-huh.'
"Anyway, casualties number in the thousands."
But I for one am glad that Harding's love child
has been confirmed, because there were parts
of this story that were simply too good not be true.
Reporter: After Warren Harding died in 1923,
Nan Britton wrote a book claiming
she'd been his mistress,
they'd made love in a White House closet,
and he'd fathered her daughter, Elizabeth.
With all due respect to his mistress,
you did not make love in a White House closet.
You banged in Warren's Fuck Bunker.
That is what happened because that is what he called it.
But... the much bigger point here
is Warren G. Harding's presidential legacy must
clearly be updated now, because he died
probably hoping that he'd be remembered
for the Fordney-McCumber Tariff Act.
But from now on, the first and only thing
we should teach children in school
is that Warren G. Harding not only had a love child,
he had a hush-hush closet bang
with a fangirl named Nan.
We must educate our children in history.
And finally this week, New Zealand--
Australia's Australia.
You may recall...
You may recall that last year New Zealand announced
it was redesigning its flag for a very simple reason.
Australia's flag is in the background here.
Reporter: You can see the Union Jack in the left corner,
against a blue background with white stars.
New Zealand's flag is in the foreground.
The only distinguishing feature--
the stars are red, not white, with fewer points.
Yes, New Zealand's flag is different
from the Australian flag in the same way that
"Ice Ice Baby" is different from "Under Pressure,"
which is to say that they're basically the same,
but one is clearly worse.
Now, this-- this is not a unique problem.
Lots of countries have similar flags.
Romania and Chad, or Monaco and Indonesia...
But nevertheless, New Zealand has opened
a flag design contest to the public
and received 10,000 entries, which this week they narrowed
to a short list of just 40.
And people do not seem particularly inspired.
Bit of a joke, to be honest.
I think it's turned into a wee bit of a joke.
Yeah? I think most people don't care about it anymore.
You know, maybe 5% of the people
are taking it seriously.
The rest of us are more concerned
about much more serious issues than the flag.
Reporter: Which one would you pick?
Probably that one. Why is that?
I guess 'cause it's really similar
to the one we've got already.
Wow.
That is negative.
You are going about this with the enthusiasm
of a distant uncle buying a birthday present
for a two-year-old nephew.
"Look, I just need something
"that has three colors and takes up physical space.
"I don't know what it likes!"
And-- And I think I know why this has not captured
the public imagination there.
The 40 flags on the-- on the short list
are pretty boring, which is ridiculous
because the government put all the flag designs
that they rejected online
and some of them are incredible.
For instance, how did this one not make the cut?
The title, it's actual title, is New Zealand's True Nature
and it looks like a very confused
child's depiction of where they think
babies come from.
That would be an incredible flag.
Now, many of the other great designs
feature the kiwi bird, which ordinarily
I would not advise because it looks
less like a bird and more like a dumb,
fat mouse who got his face stuck on a straw,
but it is hard not to get behind
this actual flag design of a kiwi blasting
lasers from its eyes.
You would remember that flag!
If you ever saw that flag, it would be impossible
not to immediately pledge allegiance to it.
But I have to say the greatest flag design of all,
and I cannot believe this did not make the short list,
was this one titled Eggsplosion.
And the artist's explanation for his design is
"Because New Zealanders like eggs
"and explosions are cool."
Please, New Zealand, I'm begging you,
when it comes time to vote for your new flag,
write "Eggsplosion" down, 'cause that's the greatest
thing I've ever seen!
And now, this.
(announcer speaking)
Bird in police floodlight
failing field sobriety test.
Flag that's just one boot short of a swastika.
Unauthorized Hasidic Mr. Potato Head.
Kiwi going through heroin withdrawal.
A cat having the world's most boring cat dream.
And kiwi dressed as The Fonz for some reason.
Moving on, moving on.
Our main story tonight concerns churches--
America's favorite place for redemption
and sixth favorite place for chicken.
Churches are a cornerstone of American life.
There are roughly 350,000 congregations
in the United States, and many of them do great work
feeding the hungry, clothing the poor,
but this is not a story about them.
This is about the churches who exploit
people's faith for monetary gain.
And when I say that, you probably think
of 1980s televangelists like this guy.
I'm just getting into a prophetic vein.
(speaking in tongues)
Someone with a dis-- digestive tract problems, quickly call.
(speaking in tongues)
We've seen midgets grow.
We've seen arms and legs that stopped growing
because the growth cells have stopped.
(speaking in tongues)
I don't make this stuff up!
What? Ple-- Please.
You can't say, "I don't make this stuff up,"
just five seconds after you said the words,
"Manda Kasabasanda."
That man is Robert Tilton and though he,
like many televangelists, was caught up
in an exposé decades ago, he never really went away.
Healing going to those knees.
Arthritis, go in the name of Jesus!
Tumors, go in the name of Jesus!
That one calling with lupus.
Lupus, you foul devil.
You bow to the name of Jesus.
Lupus, you bow to the name of Jesus.
You go in Jesus's name!
Lupus, you complicated and not especially easy
to describe malady, you go, lupus!
You vex us with your foul lupus-ness.
You go!
Now, though you may not be aware of it,
televangelism is still thriving in this country
and Robert Tilton is just a very small part of it.
There are several large media networks
devoted to televangelism, including Trinity,
Inspiration Ministries, and Daystar.
And the preachers that appear on them
can have incredible lifestyles.
Just earlier this year, a man named Creflo Dollar
got people's attention with a bold request.
Reporter: Pastor Creflo Dollar of the World Changers
Church International facing harsh criticism
after starting a fundraising campaign
to buy this $65 million luxury private jet.
If I want to believe God for a $65 million plane,
you cannot stop me. (audience cheering)
You cannot stop me from dreaming!
"You... You cannot stop me from dreaming"
is not how you ask for $65 million.
It's what you scream at your father when
he tells you you'll never be a Broadway dancer.
"I can do it, Dad!
"I've got the music in me!"
But-- But here's the thing.
Creflo Dollar wanting a private jet
is not remotely unusual.
There is a pattern of preachers wanting high-end airplanes.
And when they get them, they're not always
particularly humble about it.
I had enough money to buy a beautiful
Cessna CitationJet... cash.
(audience silent)
I sense there's so much jealousy in this room tonight
that I can feel over this.
A few weeks later, I bought another one
worth three times what that one was...
cash. (audience silent)
Act happy over my blessing, folks.
Ooh.
(imitates pastor) "I bought a jet, cash. I bought a bigger jet, cash.
"Fuck the haters. Act happy for me."
That-- That's not a sermon.
It's the first draft of a Rick Ross single.
Now... Now, preachers claim these planes are vital tools.
Look at Kenneth Copeland, who along with his wife Gloria
are among the most successful TV evangelists.
A few years back, he asked his followers
to help buy a $20 million jet, promising it would only
be used for church business.
But a local news crew did some digging
and what they found will probably not surprise you.
Reporter: It was a News 8 investigation last February
which first raised questions about Copeland's
apparently personal use of his new church jet.
This is a preaching machine.
Most notably for a ski trip to Colorado
and visits to an exotic game ranch in South Texas.
Here's Copeland and his son John
proudly poising with a pair of axis deer,
indigenous to India and Sri Lanka.
Holy shit.
This guy's like a psychotic, reverse Noah.
Two by two, male and female
came to Kenneth Copeland and he doth shot them
right between the fucking eyes.
Now, Copeland's ministry will tell you that
he reimburses the church for trips like that,
but that still means he has private jet reimbursement money.
And yet, despite that personal wealth,
people still send Kenneth Copeland,
Creflo Dollar, and that asshole with two planes
lots and lots of money, and that's partly because
they preach something called the Prosperity Gospel,
which argues that wealth is a sign of God's favor
and donations will result in wealth coming back to you.
That idea sometimes takes the form of seed faith--
the notion that donations are seeds that you will
one day get to harvest.
Let me show you that in action.
The size of your seed...
will determine the size of your harvest.
I don't understand why,
but there's something happens
at a level where people step
into faith and give $1,000
that don't happen at other levels.
You're going to have a breakthrough
through this $273 seed.
All you've got is $1,000.
Listen, that's not enough money anyway to buy the house.
You're trying to get into the apartment.
You're trying to buy the house.
That's not enough money anyway.
You get to that phone and you put that seed
in the ground and watch God work it out.
The... The argument is sow your money in the ground
and you will reap returns multiple times over.
Except as an investment, you'd be better off
burying your money in the actual ground
because at least that way, there is a chance
your dog may dig it up and give it back to you one day.
Good boy.
But... But it can get even more predatory,
'cause if say you don't have $1,000
or perhaps have significant credit card debts,
seed faith can still work for you.
I have a feeling that somebody...
that wants a credit card debt wiped out,
that if you'll use your faith as you sow,
as you sow the $1,000 on a credit card,
as you use your faith...
as you use your faith,
God's gonna wipe out your credit card indebtedness.
Think about that.
That is the equivalent of saying the key
to you losing weight lies at the bottom
of this giant Costco bulk bag of peanut butter M&M's.
Go find it. It's definitely down there.
And all of this-- all of this would be amusing
if the targets of these messages
were not often vulnerable people like Bonnie Parker.
She did not seek medical treatment for cancer,
instead choosing to sow money into Kenneth Copeland's church.
And I'll let her daughter pick it up from there.
Kristy Beach: I started finding notebooks...
not long after she passed away.
She believed-- and I know she believed,
'cause this is in the notebooks--
that if she sowed enough seed, which was money, um,
the greater amount of seed that you sow,
according to them, um, the better chance you have,
the better chance you have of getting healed.
At this point, I think it's clear
that seed faith is the most disgusting
seed based concept since whatever the fuck
chia seed pudding is.
Bonnie Parker gave thousands of dollars
to the Copelands' church because she believed
it was her best chance of beating cancer.
And you might think, "Well, that's crazy,"
but it's not an unreasonable interpretation
of the Copelands' preachings.
Gloria Copeland sells numerous products
on "healing through faith" and has been skeptical
in the past about going to the doctor.
We know that's wrong with you.
You've got cancer.
The bad news is,
we don't know what to do about it,
except give you some poison that'll make you sicker.
Now, which do you want to do?
Do you want to do that or do you want to sit here
on Saturday morning, hear the word of God
and let faith come into your heart
and be healed? Hallelujah.
It's pretty clear that woman cannot hear
the word of God because if she could,
I'm pretty sure he'd be shouting,
"Fuck you, Gloria!" right in her ear.
And yet, and yet, not only is everything
you've seen so far legal, but the money people donate
in response to it is tax-free.
Because if you're registered as a religious non-profit,
or especially a church, you are given broad exemptions
over taxation and regulation.
The IRS in fact produced a scintillating video
instructing its agents how to treat churches,
and it contains a phrase that you would not normally
associate with the agency.
Hello and welcome to Churches
and Religious Organizations Dos and Don'ts.
For reasons as old as the United States,
the tax laws and regulations that govern churches
and religious organizations are purposely broad
and sometimes a little vague.
A little vague?
Oh, they are under-selling that
because the films of Christopher Nolan
are a little vague.
A text from your mom reading...
That's a little vague!
The IRS regulations are close to meaningless.
According to their tax codes, not only is the term "church"
not specifically defined, they make no attempt
to evaluate whether the content
of a doctrine is religious, provided the beliefs
are truly held and are not illegal.
But truly held beliefs that are not illegal
is almost every belief.
Bros before hos-- that could be a religion.
Red Vines are better than Twizzlers--
that could be a religion.
If you believe the best movie ever made
is "Lady in the Water,"
then your name is M. Night Shyamalan,
but congratulations, Mr. Shyamalan--
that belief could be a religion.
And being designated a church confers all sorts of benefits
like the parsonage allowance,
which allows the Copelands
to live in a $6.3 million house tax-exempt.
This is their house.
That is a parsonage, which only makes sense
if by parsonage they mean "house that looks like
"it cost the net worth of 'Big Bang Theory's' Jim Parsons."
We actually asked the IRS how many churches
they've audited in recent years,
and they did one in 2014 and just two in 2013.
The odds of a church getting audited are basically
the same as Gloria Copeland curing your fucking cancer.
And, and when you can operate...
Here's the thing...
When you can operate with so little oversight,
it is amazing what you are able to do.
Look at Robert Tilton.
If you ever send him a donation,
you cannot imagine what happens.
And luckily, you don't have to imagine
because-- and we should probably come clean here--
we have been involved in a correspondence
with Robert Tilton's church for the last seven months
to try and find out what he tells people.
So settle in, because this gets incredible.
Back in January, I sent him $20 and a letter
asking to be added to his mailing list.
Within two weeks, he sent me a letter back
thanking me for my donation and claiming...
And "supernatural" is a bit of a stretch.
I saw him on television and I sent him some money.
He wasn't my dead lover who came back
to help me with some pottery.
Soon afterwards, he sent me a second letter
and inside there was a $1 bill, which was exciting
until I saw the inscription instructing me to
send it back to him with your best Prove God tithes or offering.
That's right, I had to send the $1 back
with an additional recommended offering of $37, which I did.
So at this point, we're just two letters in
and already it's like having a pen pal
who's in deep with some loan sharks.
This correspondence continued back and forth like this
until March, when he sent me
three small packets of colored oil
that I was instructed to pour on letters and send back
to him by a specific dates along with more money.
So I did that.
And in April, I got a letter
in a manila envelope with a message...
And I thought, "Fantastic!
"I've seeded and I've seeded and I've seeded.
"Here comes my harvest."
Then I open it-- and this is true--
It was a check for $5 from me made out
to Pastor Tilton's church.
This went on for seven more letters,
and then he sent me a piece of fabric
in the shape of some mountains.
I assumed at this point I'd somehow reached
the mountain level.
And surprise, surprise, he asked me to send
those mountains back to him with some more money again.
So I did and then he sent me another letter
with another single dollar bill inside.
He told me to put that dollar bill in my Bible
for one night and then send it back
the next day with $49 more so that he can have it blessed
with oil and send me a $1 bill back that has been blessed.
Adding...
And then for emphasis...
And you know what? I kept that $1 bill
because fuck him.
(audience cheering) That... That's why.
So that one I kept.
That-- That one I kept.
But-- But that did not stop him.
The letters kept on coming.
I received another oil packet, more prayer cloths,
and even-- and this is true--
an outline of his foot...
which I was asked to trace my foot on
and mail back to him with more money!
So as of tonight I've sent him $319
and received 26 letters.
That's almost one a week.
And again, this is all hilarious
until you imagine these letters being sent
to someone who cannot afford what he's asking for.
So at this point, I was getting pretty angry
and looking for a sign of what to do.
So I watched a little more Robert Tilton
and the most amazing thing happened.
There's a person watching me, and you've been
very frustrated with your purpose in life.
That might be me, Bob!
'Cause I'm extremely frustrated right now
as it seems my purpose in the last seven months
has been to send you money through the fucking mail!
So... So I will ask,
what's that message that you have for me?
That's so strong.
Just then-- Just then, I had a word of knowledge
for someone that's really been seeking God--
you have-- for a...
particular purpose or a decision in your life.
And that is when I realized the message
Robert Tilton was sending me was that I should set up
my own church to test the legal and financial limits
of what religious entities are able to do. (audience cheering)
And so that is what we have done.
We filed paperwork last week establishing a church
called Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption,
and it was disturbingly easy.
To make sure we did this correctly,
we had this actual tax lawyer walk us through the process.
Now, while the IRS does not have a definition of a church,
they do have a 14-point test as a guideline for churches.
But not only do you not have to meet all 14 points,
we'd already met some of them by accident.
For instance, you need
an "established place of worship,"
but we meet every Sunday in this studio in New York.
And apparently, that genuinely counts.
Our lawyer also advised us
our church needed to be a distinct legal entity,
so we registered our church as a non-profit corporation
in Texas, a state I do not live in,
have never lived in, but which is somehow
completely fine for us to incorporate a church in.
Now, the IRS's guidelines suggest you need
a creed and form of worship,
but our lawyer suggested we could fulfill
the worship requirement by merely leading everyone...
So... (clears throat)
let us do exactly that and bow our heads
in silent contemplation.
And lo, another box was ticked.
Amen.
And finally, finally,
according to our attorney...
So what do you say, live studio audience?
Do you profess your belief? (audience cheers)
I said, do you profess your belief tonight,
brothers and sisters? (audience cheers louder)
Then there is only one thing left for us to do!
Let's go to church.
(angelic music playing)
Brothers and sisters, welcome to Our Lady of Perpetual Exemption.
I am your mega-reverend... (audience cheers)
Thank you, brothers and sisters.
Your mega-reverend and CEO, John Oliver.
And can I tell you, I am so blessed tonight,
so blessed to be joined by my radiant wife,
Wanda Jo Oliver. Please welcome her.
Wanda Jo.
Wanda Jo, praise be. Praise be.
Praise be. Praise be. Praise be, Wanda Jo.
And... And praise be to all of you watching us tonight
or joining us online at...
But most of all, praise be to the IRS... Oh yes.
...that most permissive of government agencies.
Wanda Jo, I have heard the word of prophecy.
Hallelujah!
What did it say, my John?
I'll tell ya. I'll tell ya, my Wanda.
It says the viewers at home must plant a seed!
A seed! An almighty seed! Yes.
Preferably in the form of cash,
although we do take checks.
It... it can be $5,
it can be $10, it can be $77.
We need you to sow your biggest seed!
That's... That's money! Don't send us seed.
That's right, Wanda.
Please do not send us actual seeds.
Because we ain't interested in your seeds!
We ain't interested! We ain't interested!
Please send us your actual money
to this address at the bottom of your screen.
If you do this-- and this is real--
great things will happen to you and that's apparently
something I'm allowed to say.
Praise!
Praise legal!
Praise our tax attorney!
Praise loopholes and all
their blessed loopiness.
Let-- let me talk
to the brothers and sisters at home.
Do you have debt? Debt be gone!
Do... Do you have lupus? A demon plague!
Touch-- Touch your hand to the screen right now
and we shall cure it.
Touch your hand to the screen right now.
Curse you!
Curse you, demon lupus!
Bedevil us no more!
Curse you, lupus!
You... You probably didn't even know that you had lupus,
but you did, but you don't anymore!
It's a miracle! It's a miracle!
It's a miracle tonight!
It's a miracle!
Do not delay!
Call this actual number right now...
...because amazingly, all of this is.
This is all legal.
Call this toll-free number and plant your seed!
Plant it deep in him.
Okay.
Plant your seed in his mouth!
Plant it all over his face!
Wanda, Wanda...
You keep it together, Wanda.
Keep it together. Praise seed!
Praise seed!
Call this number, sow your seed,
and ye shall prosper!
Wanda, Wanda, do you feel the spirit?
Do you feel the spirit? Yes!
Do you feel the spirit? I feel the spirit!
Do you feel the spirit at home?
Call the number
on your screen right now!
Call this number! Call it!
Call the number. Call it!
* Call the number Call it!
On your screen!
Call! Actually do it!
Actually do it now!
Because if Robert Tilton, Kenneth Copeland,
and all these pastors can get away with it
and we get stopped, truly we have witnessed a fucking miracle tonight!
Hallelujah! That's our show.
Thanks to Wanda Jo!
Thanks for joining us! Good night!
Call us!
Give us money!
We want money.
(gospel music playing)
(gospel style singing)
* Call this number * Call the number
* On your screen, on your screen *
Call the number.
Actually call now.
We want money.
* Dial your phone
* And plant your seed
* He wants money, he wants money *
* With your seed, with your seed *
* This is legal, this is legal *